


in absentia

by trvelyans



Category: The Wayhaven Chronicles (Interactive Fiction)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Longing (tm), Yearning (TM), spoilers for book 2 !
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24279565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trvelyans/pseuds/trvelyans
Summary: Adam reflects on his evening at the carnival with the Detective. Post-book two.
Relationships: Detective/Adam du Mortain, Female Detective/Adam du Mortain
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	in absentia

Adam marches wordlessly to his room as soon as Unit Bravo returns to the warehouse from the carnival. He slams the door shut with so much strength the entire room trembles, and for a moment he looks back at it, waiting to see if Nate is going to follow; waiting to see if he’ll knock on his door and give advice that Adam does not want to hear. It seemed like he had something he wanted to say – it seemed like _all_ of them had something to say, actually - but after a long stretch of agonizing silence, Adam realizes he is alone.

Is that not what he wanted?

He throws a hand towards the light switch and flicks it off, and the room plunges into darkness. He does not have much need for his bed most of the time, but now he is thankful he has it to sink down on. He doesn’t remove his jacket, nor his boots – he only barely just removes his glasses, mindlessly pitching them across the room and still hearing them hit the wall with a violent _crunch_.

He will clean them up when his head is clearer. Though he doesn’t know when that will be.

Silently, he curls his hand into a fist and uncurls it, flexing his fingers. He does not look at it, but he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t need to be reminded that he is no longer holding the detective’s hand. A reminder like that would be pointless – he still feels it, anyway, burned between his fingers like a brand.

And yet her fingers were so _cold_. So cold and yet clung to him so tightly, like frost.

He lifts his other hand and brushes his thumb over his knuckles, closing his eyes. He pretends the bumps are her fingers, her delicate fingers, and that he has the freedom to touch them like he does his own hand. He pretends that he held her hand longer, that he held her hand until she reached her car and still held it as she climbed in. He pretends that he climbed in the car beside her, and that he is not alone in his room right now. He's not a fool – he could find a sufficient reason to spend the night at her apartment, or even just to see her home safely. He could find a way to avoid spending another night alone. Another night among thousands and thousands.

But he did not voice a sufficient reason. He did not voice any at all. He let her go, and for that, he is alone.

He grits his teeth _. Is that not what_ you _wanted?_

He drops his thumb and rests that hand against his stomach, still holding the other in the air. He slowly curls it into a fist and, just as he had before, uncurls it, fingers strained with tension. Adam is a strong man. Sometimes he is certain that he will crush her if he touches her for fear of losing her. All he wants is to ensure that she is safe. All he wants to do is take care of her. And yet, tonight, they held each other’s hand so _softly,_ so earnestly, that his worst fears were confirmed, or perhaps he just couldn’t deny them any longer – all she wants to do is take care of him, too.

He should not have let his guard down enough to let that happen.

She cannot take care of him the way she wants to. It may get her killed. Adam would not know how to live with himself if that happened. Perhaps he wouldn’t be able to live at all.

He closes his eyes and buries them against the heels of his hands, pressing down on them hard enough that stars burst behind his eyelids and break into a thousand pieces. He _must_ resist her. He must resist the temptation to give in to this. They cannot be what they both want – he is her protector, and she is a human, however special or _powerful_ her blood may be. His job is to keep her safe, not endanger her. Not to give her further reason to endanger herself.

Adam slowly pulls his hands away from his eyes and lets them fall by his side, staring up at the dark ceiling. In that brief moment, he realizes he can hear a pair of footsteps down the hallway. They’re close – they must have been approaching for some time. The footsteps stop outside his door, and he hears a tentative knock.

“Adam,” Nate says. And that’s it. That’s all. He’s waiting for Adam to steer the conversation.

But Adam doesn’t respond, of course. He’d just destroy that, too. Another to add to the list of things he’s destroyed and the list of things he’s going to in the future. (Somehow he feels like his name belongs on both.)

“I hate seeing you like this.” Adam pictures Nate frowning. “I understand that you need time alone right now, but… when you’re done, come find me. Please.”

He doesn’t answer. Nate sighs and leaves the way he came, slowly.

They can tell he has feelings for the detective. Do they know how _strong_ they are? Do they know that he would do _anything_ for her, sacrifice _anyone_ for her? He’s glad it was him in the hospital bed after the fight with the Trappers. He was glad that Celandine made the choice to save Sanja, if only at his request. If it was him forced to make a choice… His stomach plummets at the thought of it. Things would not have been solved as easily – or at all – if it meant letting her get hurt.

Perhaps the worst of it all is that he might _treasure_ the idea of finding something worth dying for, and perhaps, he dreads, she might feel the same way. And she is _going_ to get hurt, one way or another, but he might not always be able to save her.

**Author's Note:**

> i have nothing to say about this !!!!!!!!!!!!! adam owns my ass and that is all !!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> if you don't already follow me on tumblr @ trvelyans then head on over 'cuz my blog is basically all wayhaven right now including more musing abt my detective ! as always, comments and kudos are appreciated, and thank you for reading !!!!!!!!!!!


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